Sharing the Mental Load: 5 Ways to Help You Navigate Parenthood Together
For couples, transitioning from partners to parents is a time of great excitement, love, and joy. But it also introduces an evolving list of physical, emotional, and cognitive demands. The baby isn’t the only one adjusting to their new world. Parents are too, and their brains can quickly go into overdrive.
So what causes parents to feel overwhelmed by constant planning, coordinating, anticipating, remembering, and decision-making? It’s the mental load—the invisible, never-ending to-do list.
With a new baby, this can include tracking feedings, managing visitors, remembering to eat and hydrate, taking meds on time, and monitoring diaper supplies. Add in emotional changes and sleep deprivation, and it’s easy to understand why the postpartum period is especially challenging.
The mental load doesn’t go away after the newborn phase. A 2024 study found that parents of children under 18 spend an average of 30.4 hours per week managing family and household responsibilities. This tells us that the mental load nearly amounts to a full-time job.
With so much on their plates, parents often experience mounting stress and pressure. Those struggling with the mental load are more likely to feel self-doubt, guilt, shame, irritability, and burnout. They’re also at greater risk for anxiety, OCD, and depression – especially during the postpartum period.
When the mental load primarily falls on just one partner, the so-called “default parent,” additional problems can arise. An increase in stress, tension, resentment, and conflict, and a decrease in effective communication and quality time together can significantly impact parents and their relationship with each other.
The imbalance can begin even before the baby arrives, when one partner (often the birthing parent) does most of the researching, planning, and prep during the pregnancy. This unequal division of caregiving and household labor often continues in parenting relationships during postpartum and beyond. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
By taking a few steps that foster communication and cooperation, the mental load doesn’t have to overburden one partner or cause divisions within a couple. It can be a mutual undertaking, in which each parent not only contributes, but also feels valued for their efforts.
With these five strategies, together you can reduce the mental load and strengthen your relationship:
1. Get It Out of Your Head and Into a Shared System
In the early weeks, the combination of caring for a newborn, juggling endless tasks, and coping with sleep deprivation can take a major toll.
One effective way to lighten the load? Externalize it. Write it down, type it up, or use a tool you can both access. Whether it’s a whiteboard in the kitchen, a synced digital checklist, or another method to share information, a centralized system adds transparency and reduces the likelihood of only one partner shouldering the bulk of responsibilities.
Implementing a shared system is not just about getting organized. It’s also about decreasing anxiety for the partner who usually keeps track of every detail, and increasing a sense of agency and contribution for the other. The result? Less tension and more mental energy freed up for what matters most – bonding with your baby and staying connected as a couple.
2. Build In a 5-Minute Daily Debrief
In the early weeks, as parents recover, adapt, and care for a newborn, healthy and supportive communication tends to decline. Research has shown both mothers and fathers report negative effects on the communication in their relationship after their child was born – and this breakdown is one of the strongest predictors of conflict.
A short, daily check-in helps interrupt the constant “survival mode” that many couples fall into. Just five minutes a day can help you reconnect, reduce overwhelm, and redistribute tasks before resentment builds.
You don’t need to schedule a long sit-down. Have a quick chat during nap time, a stroller walk, or while sitting on the couch to feed the baby. Ask each other questions like:
“What do you need help with?”
“Is there something in particular you want to get done today?”
“Is there anything you need to catch me up on right now?”
“Should we go over the calendar for today and tomorrow?”
“What’s been stressing you out that you want to discuss?”
These moments of connection are small, but they send a powerful message: We’re still a team.
3. Shift From Asking for Help to Sharing Ownership
Constantly asking for help can be one of the most frustrating and exhausting parts of the mental load. It often leads to micro-managing, which can deplete the bandwidth of the partner who is remembering, requesting, and supervising their partner’s execution of the task. A better strategy? Divide and assign full ownership of recurring responsibilities.
Instead of: “Can you help me with the bottles right now?”
Try: “Can you be in charge of bottles—prepping, washing, and tracking them?”
Instead of: “Can you pick up the stuff on the grocery list I made?”
Try: “Can you plan dinners this week and handle getting what we need for our meals?”
This shift can make a big difference. Each partner gets a clearly defined lane of responsibility, which reduces the need for constant reminding and following up (i.e., nagging). Delegating entire tasks, rather than making spontaneous requests for your partner to pitch in, also ensures one person isn’t always doing the thinking about the chores, which is labor in itself.
Other benefits? When both partners take ownership of certain tasks, it not only boosts balance, predictability, and consistency. It also helps deepen your connection and appreciation for one another.
4. Don’t Overlook the Emotional Load
Logistics are only half the equation. The other half? The emotional impacts of adjusting to parenthood.
Becoming a parent triggers a wide range of emotional changes. Birthing parents may face hormonal fluctuations, loss of independence, identity shifts, negative body image, or trauma from labor and delivery, among other challenges. Partners may also deal with emotional stressors, including concerns about bonding with the baby, feeling detached from their partner, or a sense of helplessness, isolation, or ambivalence.
Recognizing and supporting one another through emotional struggles should be a priority. If left unaddressed, feelings of distress, shame, and isolation can worsen, making it harder to concentrate on completing everyday tasks and creating greater distance and conflict between the partners.
It’s important to know that birthing partners and non-birthing partners alike can experience symptoms of or be diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues.
While parents, individually or as a couple, should seek professional help if symptoms significantly interfere with their functioning or relationship, there are ways for couples to support one another through emotional difficulties. Again, open and honest communication is essential.
Try starting with:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can you just listen for a bit?”
“There’s a lot going on. How are you feeling about everything today?”
“If you need to vent, just let it out.”
Be sure to acknowledge the difference between problem-solving and presence. Sometimes what you need isn’t advice or a solution, but for your partner to simply hear and see you. Understanding this can help you lean on each other – and lighten your respective emotional loads.
5. Redefine What Support Looks Like—Together
In the early weeks, and throughout the parenting journey, it’s not always realistic to divide equally all of the household and parenting responsibilities. And that’s okay, because research indicates that it’s our perception of fairness of household labor and childcare, as well as emotional support from their partner, that is associated with higher relationship satisfaction. Why is this important? It means that couples can define for themselves what arrangements work best for them.
The goal is for both partners to feel supported and involved, even if the division of labor fluctuates or is not split 50/50.
To stay aligned and make adjustments when necessary, check in weekly with questions like:
“Has anything felt off balance lately?”
“What’s one thing we can tweak to feel more supported?”
“Is there something new on our list that we haven’t figured out yet?”
Approaching these conversations with flexibility and compassion helps keep you united as teammates. And it’s what will help you go from “How will this ever get better?” to “This is hard, but we’ve got this.”
Final Thought
Parenthood should not be a solo act. To protect each other’s mental health – and the stability of your relationship – it’s essential to prevent one partner from becoming the “default parent.”
By focusing on the 3 C’s of communication, collaboration, and connection, you’ll be able to tackle the mental load, and all of life’s challenges, with more success and less stress.
With this approach, the work – and the wonder – of the parenting journey can be shared together.
Source: The Skylight Mental Load Report
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